Sunday, April 13, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Obscure Quotes From Prolific People Vol. 3
Wow. Celebrities really say the damndest things.
"People think that I'm the equivalent of a political 'Shock Jock' because of the racist, anti-semitic, and sexist things that I say. I take offense to that. I'm not a 'Jock,' because that implies that I am a man who rides on top of a horse. And, as I've made clear time and time again, I believe in the truth that men are superior to women as decreed by God. So the whole 'Jock' analogy really bothers me, because I feel much more comfortable being the horse in that scenario; not the man riding on top and whipping feverishly, but the horse being ridden and spanked and loving every minute of the lesson in discipline and obedience. Plus, let's be honest, I kind of look exactly like a horse." - ANN COULTER
"Britney's losing it, dog. She be like a total crazy individual lately. And it means I gotta look after them kids, 'cause I'm scared she might strap Sean Preston and Jayden James to her Pilates machine or something and just leave the house for days. No kids can live duct taped to a Pilates machine. It's not healthy emotionally or physically even, probably. I want me some healthy ass kids. I love those little bastards, you know? I'm gettin' so close with 'em now, sometimes I wish they came out of my urethra instead of Britney's urethra. I know that's like scientifically highly improbable, but I can still be a dreamer." - KEVIN FEDERLINE
"Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don't care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says 'Get Er Done' and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That's my thing. And, dare I say, it's worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that's due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe..." - PAULA POUNDSTONE
"Nicknames?...Hahaha, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but all of my good friends call me 'Billy Inzane in the Membrane.' Hahaha. Remember that Cypress Hill song, 'Insane in the membrane?' It's from that. But instead of saying 'Insane in the membrane,' they changed it to 'Inzane in the membrane.' Because my last name is Zane, but the implication there is that I'm actually insane. You see? And trust me, it's a well deserved nomicker. I think they first started calling me that after I purchased half a dozen high end escorts for me and my buddies. You know, as a goof. Not to actually fuck them, but just to see how my buddies would react to being propositioned. But the twist was that when the hookers showed up, I fucked all of them. Hahaha...right in front of my friends, too. Hahaha. And I said to them, "Hey, if you leave and don't watch me fuck these expensive whores, you don't get to be friends with Billy Zane anymore." And they all started singing, "Inzane in the membrane. Inzane in the brain. Inzane in the membrane. Went Inzane, got no brain!." It was epic." - BILLY ZANE
"To be honest, it's a very weird thing to be too attractive and too famous to walk the streets of the world. I feel like a work of art so masterful that people can't handle seeing me in the flesh. It's as though they instantly lose brain control and proceed to thrust themselves at me in a desperate attempt to ingest of the manna which radiates from my aura. So I guess celebrity and beauty of this caliber does comes at a price: that price being a life above the law." - MATT DAMON
"People think that I'm the equivalent of a political 'Shock Jock' because of the racist, anti-semitic, and sexist things that I say. I take offense to that. I'm not a 'Jock,' because that implies that I am a man who rides on top of a horse. And, as I've made clear time and time again, I believe in the truth that men are superior to women as decreed by God. So the whole 'Jock' analogy really bothers me, because I feel much more comfortable being the horse in that scenario; not the man riding on top and whipping feverishly, but the horse being ridden and spanked and loving every minute of the lesson in discipline and obedience. Plus, let's be honest, I kind of look exactly like a horse." - ANN COULTER
"Britney's losing it, dog. She be like a total crazy individual lately. And it means I gotta look after them kids, 'cause I'm scared she might strap Sean Preston and Jayden James to her Pilates machine or something and just leave the house for days. No kids can live duct taped to a Pilates machine. It's not healthy emotionally or physically even, probably. I want me some healthy ass kids. I love those little bastards, you know? I'm gettin' so close with 'em now, sometimes I wish they came out of my urethra instead of Britney's urethra. I know that's like scientifically highly improbable, but I can still be a dreamer." - KEVIN FEDERLINE
"Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don't care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says 'Get Er Done' and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That's my thing. And, dare I say, it's worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that's due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe..." - PAULA POUNDSTONE
"Nicknames?...Hahaha, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but all of my good friends call me 'Billy Inzane in the Membrane.' Hahaha. Remember that Cypress Hill song, 'Insane in the membrane?' It's from that. But instead of saying 'Insane in the membrane,' they changed it to 'Inzane in the membrane.' Because my last name is Zane, but the implication there is that I'm actually insane. You see? And trust me, it's a well deserved nomicker. I think they first started calling me that after I purchased half a dozen high end escorts for me and my buddies. You know, as a goof. Not to actually fuck them, but just to see how my buddies would react to being propositioned. But the twist was that when the hookers showed up, I fucked all of them. Hahaha...right in front of my friends, too. Hahaha. And I said to them, "Hey, if you leave and don't watch me fuck these expensive whores, you don't get to be friends with Billy Zane anymore." And they all started singing, "Inzane in the membrane. Inzane in the brain. Inzane in the membrane. Went Inzane, got no brain!." It was epic." - BILLY ZANE
"To be honest, it's a very weird thing to be too attractive and too famous to walk the streets of the world. I feel like a work of art so masterful that people can't handle seeing me in the flesh. It's as though they instantly lose brain control and proceed to thrust themselves at me in a desperate attempt to ingest of the manna which radiates from my aura. So I guess celebrity and beauty of this caliber does comes at a price: that price being a life above the law." - MATT DAMON
Monday, February 25, 2008
Obscure Quotes From Prolific People Vol. 2
Here are some more lesser known quotes I found. Enjoy.
"If I wasn't the most famous television judge of all time, what would I do? Good question. I would move to the East. And I'm not talking about the East Side of New York. I'm talking about the East, baby. Asia. The land of reincarnation. I would set up a small courtroom on top of a mid-sized mountain somewhere in Chinkyville. Here I would live and meditate and do cardio throughout the day. And whenever the villagers below had a dispute, they could bring it to me, along with some sort of precious metal offering, and I would gladly mediate. And maybe we could televise it." - JUDGE JUDY
"People assume that because I am a household name, I get special treatment. That's not the case. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever made me feel special. Ever. Not my parents growing up (they used to beat me with the vegetables I hated the most and then they would make me eat them, thus making me hate them even more) and certainly not my public today. Sometimes I'll approach a woman or a man at a discotech or an acrade, and I'll say, "Hello. I'm Lou Dobbs." And they'll look at me like I'm some sort of primordial man-beast who reeks of a swamp bath. It's a sick, sad world, I say. Thank God we get to die at the end of it." - LOU DOBBS
"Every evening I dream of the desert. The dry, suffocating, unforgiving desert where life clings to life in order to live. I know not why I dream of it. All I know is that I do dream of it. To me the desert is like Mother Earth's vagina. Where it once was a moist, pear-flavored, juicy oasis, now it is a vast expanse of used sandpaper, neither harsh nor soft, but tired and useless. I wake up in a feverish sweat from my desert dreams, and I look up to the stars and find solace in the reality that I am insane." - DANIEL DAY LEWIS
"How do I account for my success? One syllable: CHA-RIS-MA! That's my greatest asset as a politician. I could charm the pants off of a goat. That's what my friends used to always tell me. Here's an example: One time, I was shopping for flip flops at a flea market. And none of the pairs would fit my feet properly, because I have disproportionately large, thick, grotesque big toes. (It's as though the skull of a disfigured baby is attached to each one of my feet...awkward!) Then, I came across a pair of flip flops that appeared to be broken. They were all stretched out and warped. Yet, they fit me perfectly. So I go, 'Hey, these are all gummmed up.' And the flea market guy goes, 'Ok, you can have them for half off.' And I go, 'Deal.' And that's an allegory of how I became President of The United States of America." - RICHARD NIXON
"The Federal Government's response, or lack of response, more accurately, to the current housing market crisis in this Country is a disgrace. The only thing more unscrupulous than the negligence of the Federal Reserve is the underhanded business practices of the mortgage companies and the banks. America, Land of the Free? I think not. America, Land of the Foreclosure. That seems more fitting to this Citizen." - 50 CENT
"If I wasn't the most famous television judge of all time, what would I do? Good question. I would move to the East. And I'm not talking about the East Side of New York. I'm talking about the East, baby. Asia. The land of reincarnation. I would set up a small courtroom on top of a mid-sized mountain somewhere in Chinkyville. Here I would live and meditate and do cardio throughout the day. And whenever the villagers below had a dispute, they could bring it to me, along with some sort of precious metal offering, and I would gladly mediate. And maybe we could televise it." - JUDGE JUDY
"People assume that because I am a household name, I get special treatment. That's not the case. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever made me feel special. Ever. Not my parents growing up (they used to beat me with the vegetables I hated the most and then they would make me eat them, thus making me hate them even more) and certainly not my public today. Sometimes I'll approach a woman or a man at a discotech or an acrade, and I'll say, "Hello. I'm Lou Dobbs." And they'll look at me like I'm some sort of primordial man-beast who reeks of a swamp bath. It's a sick, sad world, I say. Thank God we get to die at the end of it." - LOU DOBBS
"Every evening I dream of the desert. The dry, suffocating, unforgiving desert where life clings to life in order to live. I know not why I dream of it. All I know is that I do dream of it. To me the desert is like Mother Earth's vagina. Where it once was a moist, pear-flavored, juicy oasis, now it is a vast expanse of used sandpaper, neither harsh nor soft, but tired and useless. I wake up in a feverish sweat from my desert dreams, and I look up to the stars and find solace in the reality that I am insane." - DANIEL DAY LEWIS
"How do I account for my success? One syllable: CHA-RIS-MA! That's my greatest asset as a politician. I could charm the pants off of a goat. That's what my friends used to always tell me. Here's an example: One time, I was shopping for flip flops at a flea market. And none of the pairs would fit my feet properly, because I have disproportionately large, thick, grotesque big toes. (It's as though the skull of a disfigured baby is attached to each one of my feet...awkward!) Then, I came across a pair of flip flops that appeared to be broken. They were all stretched out and warped. Yet, they fit me perfectly. So I go, 'Hey, these are all gummmed up.' And the flea market guy goes, 'Ok, you can have them for half off.' And I go, 'Deal.' And that's an allegory of how I became President of The United States of America." - RICHARD NIXON
"The Federal Government's response, or lack of response, more accurately, to the current housing market crisis in this Country is a disgrace. The only thing more unscrupulous than the negligence of the Federal Reserve is the underhanded business practices of the mortgage companies and the banks. America, Land of the Free? I think not. America, Land of the Foreclosure. That seems more fitting to this Citizen." - 50 CENT
Friday, February 22, 2008
Portland, Oregon???...What are you like???
Dear Portland,
I am coming to visit you very soon. March 6th to March 8th, actually. I'm performing my little comedies at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
I have never been to you before. I hear that you are a cool place, but I know little to nothing about you. Yet, I want to learn. I want to know you. I want to understand you. I want to swim around inside your melon and connect with you. I want the real deal. Not the bullshit. Not the tourist trap take, but the creative underbelly perspective. So, I'm going to post the first part of this blog about what I can learn about you from your internet tourist sites. Then, when I return, I will post the second part of this blog about my actual experiences and see how they measure up. Are you mildly interested? Damn straight you are...
www.portlandonline.com
I learn from this website that your mayor is Tom Potter. I wonder if I'll get to meet him?
Not Interested! Look at Tom crouching as though he doesn't have a care in the world. He's wearing his pretentious plain gray sweater and his dirty white sneakers. Nice nondescript collared shirt, Tom. Who do you think you are, Cecil Fielder? He's so damn arrogant, I can smell it. Everybody showers their love and attention upon the almighty Tom Potter. And I refuse to be another one of his Sheeple.
I choose instead to focus on the real hero of Portland. The man who is behind the man that is behind the curtain. The man who keeps the books straight and looks good doing it. City Auditor, Gary Blackmer.
Now that's what a real man looks like! He doesn't need an online image bigger than a thumbnail, and he sure as hell doesn't need Just For Men Brush-In Color Gel for Mustache, Beard and Sideburns.
Yeah, like Blackmer couldn't dominate this guy sexually if he so chose. Please, he could. Long live Blackmer the Immortal!
Two Times!
www.portland.com
I learned from this website that:
"Portland Oregon (OR) started as a spot known as "The Clearing" which was on the Willamette about half-way between Oregon City and Fort Vancouver. In 1843, William Overton saw great commercial potential for this land; his only problem was that he lacked the quarter needed to file a land claim. So, he struck a bargain with his partner Asa Lovejoy: for 25 cents, Overton would share his claim to the 640 acre site.
Bored with clearing trees and building roads, Overton sold his half of the claim to Francis W. Pettygrove. When it came time to name their new town, Pettygrove and Lovejoy each wanted to name it after his home town. They settled the argument with a coin toss. Pettygrove won, and named it after Portland, Maine; had Lovejoy won, he intended to name it after Boston, Massachusetts."
Yeah, a couple things about that story. First, William Overton didn't even have his own quater? Pathetic. The year was 1843 for god's sake, not 1784! What a Lazy Ass Freak. Second, he then sold his claim because he got 'bored' clearing trees and building roads? I guess his idea of building a town is drinking Mimosas and giving Blowjobs and birthing Kittens all day long. No wonder he didn't even have his own quarter.
And hold on a hot minute there. Don't think that Asa Lovejoy and Francis W. Pettygrove are gonna escape the hot seat. When it came time to name the place, all these guys could think to do was name it the same thing as the towns they came from? That is an absolutely disgusting lack of creativity. It was the year 1843 for god's sake, there were like no names taken yet for stuff. It's not like it was the year 1903 when all the good names were taken. What Lazy Ass Freaks, just like Overton.
www.travelportland.com
I learned from this site that people in Portland are reckless alcoholics.
This is at the very top of the homepage of Portland's most popular travel site. What uniquely typical pint glasses you have there. Way to go!
In Conclusion,
Portland is full of Lazy Ass Drunken Freaks, which means...I'm gonna fit right in!
Part two TBC (To Be Created) upon my return.
I am coming to visit you very soon. March 6th to March 8th, actually. I'm performing my little comedies at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
I have never been to you before. I hear that you are a cool place, but I know little to nothing about you. Yet, I want to learn. I want to know you. I want to understand you. I want to swim around inside your melon and connect with you. I want the real deal. Not the bullshit. Not the tourist trap take, but the creative underbelly perspective. So, I'm going to post the first part of this blog about what I can learn about you from your internet tourist sites. Then, when I return, I will post the second part of this blog about my actual experiences and see how they measure up. Are you mildly interested? Damn straight you are...
www.portlandonline.com
I learn from this website that your mayor is Tom Potter. I wonder if I'll get to meet him?
Not Interested! Look at Tom crouching as though he doesn't have a care in the world. He's wearing his pretentious plain gray sweater and his dirty white sneakers. Nice nondescript collared shirt, Tom. Who do you think you are, Cecil Fielder? He's so damn arrogant, I can smell it. Everybody showers their love and attention upon the almighty Tom Potter. And I refuse to be another one of his Sheeple.
I choose instead to focus on the real hero of Portland. The man who is behind the man that is behind the curtain. The man who keeps the books straight and looks good doing it. City Auditor, Gary Blackmer.
Now that's what a real man looks like! He doesn't need an online image bigger than a thumbnail, and he sure as hell doesn't need Just For Men Brush-In Color Gel for Mustache, Beard and Sideburns.
Yeah, like Blackmer couldn't dominate this guy sexually if he so chose. Please, he could. Long live Blackmer the Immortal!
Two Times!
www.portland.com
I learned from this website that:
"Portland Oregon (OR) started as a spot known as "The Clearing" which was on the Willamette about half-way between Oregon City and Fort Vancouver. In 1843, William Overton saw great commercial potential for this land; his only problem was that he lacked the quarter needed to file a land claim. So, he struck a bargain with his partner Asa Lovejoy: for 25 cents, Overton would share his claim to the 640 acre site.
Bored with clearing trees and building roads, Overton sold his half of the claim to Francis W. Pettygrove. When it came time to name their new town, Pettygrove and Lovejoy each wanted to name it after his home town. They settled the argument with a coin toss. Pettygrove won, and named it after Portland, Maine; had Lovejoy won, he intended to name it after Boston, Massachusetts."
Yeah, a couple things about that story. First, William Overton didn't even have his own quater? Pathetic. The year was 1843 for god's sake, not 1784! What a Lazy Ass Freak. Second, he then sold his claim because he got 'bored' clearing trees and building roads? I guess his idea of building a town is drinking Mimosas and giving Blowjobs and birthing Kittens all day long. No wonder he didn't even have his own quarter.
And hold on a hot minute there. Don't think that Asa Lovejoy and Francis W. Pettygrove are gonna escape the hot seat. When it came time to name the place, all these guys could think to do was name it the same thing as the towns they came from? That is an absolutely disgusting lack of creativity. It was the year 1843 for god's sake, there were like no names taken yet for stuff. It's not like it was the year 1903 when all the good names were taken. What Lazy Ass Freaks, just like Overton.
www.travelportland.com
I learned from this site that people in Portland are reckless alcoholics.
This is at the very top of the homepage of Portland's most popular travel site. What uniquely typical pint glasses you have there. Way to go!
In Conclusion,
Portland is full of Lazy Ass Drunken Freaks, which means...I'm gonna fit right in!
Part two TBC (To Be Created) upon my return.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Obscure Quotes From Prolific People
Here are some lesser known quotes I found. Enjoy.
"If God were a woman, I would very much like to stroke her naked body. But I would not commit the act of sexual penetration, because that would be confusing for me spiritually." -WOODROW WILSON
"Since I was a child, I have always felt that my heart was made out of glass. Verily, there are worse things for a heart to be made out of, far worse. For, at least with glass, if my lover were to step on my heart, his foot would get shanked to the bone, and he would slowly bleed out and die a deliberate, painful death, while being unable to think of anyone or anything else but me." -DAKOTA FANNING
"All Jews aren't evil. No rational person would ever argue that. However, inevitably, some Jews must be evil. It's just the reality. Some Jews are evil, just like most Christians will go to Heaven. " -CECIL FIELDER
"Sometimes all a guy needs is a good book and a nice mani-pedi." -TRENT REZNOR
"I think that retarded people should be put in cages...made of out chocolate." -MAHATMA GANDHI
"If God were a woman, I would very much like to stroke her naked body. But I would not commit the act of sexual penetration, because that would be confusing for me spiritually." -WOODROW WILSON
"Since I was a child, I have always felt that my heart was made out of glass. Verily, there are worse things for a heart to be made out of, far worse. For, at least with glass, if my lover were to step on my heart, his foot would get shanked to the bone, and he would slowly bleed out and die a deliberate, painful death, while being unable to think of anyone or anything else but me." -DAKOTA FANNING
"All Jews aren't evil. No rational person would ever argue that. However, inevitably, some Jews must be evil. It's just the reality. Some Jews are evil, just like most Christians will go to Heaven. " -CECIL FIELDER
"Sometimes all a guy needs is a good book and a nice mani-pedi." -TRENT REZNOR
"I think that retarded people should be put in cages...made of out chocolate." -MAHATMA GANDHI
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